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Our Vision is:

The evangelised and evangelising Domestic Church.

  Explanation:  Our vision is to work with families that are eager for and receptive to spiritual and emotional growth that is in accord with the teachings of Jesus Christ. In this way they become Churches of the Home, or Domestic Churches, and promoters of faith and healthy family living to other families.

Our Mission is:

To enable people to grow in their relationships both emotionally and spiritually through lifelong learning so as to strengthen their marriages and families resulting in a reduction in the rate at which marriages fail and families break down.

Explanation:  Our mission is to empower couples, parents and families with skills to grow their vocation and to build their capacity to enhance their family life in the spirit of the teachings of Jesus Christ. As this requires lifelong learning we offer relevant programmes to encourage this process and so reduce the rate at which marriages fail and family life breaks down.

The problem

The problem we are addressing is the breakdown of marriage and family life.

Training in parishes, schools and communities

We train facilitators to run parish-based, school-based or community-based parent support groups.

In our parishes we have dedicated catechists who see to the religious education of children, and in our schools we have committed teachers who pass on knowledge and foster vital life skills in children.  However both in the Church and our schools the active participation of many parents in the faith development of their children and in their children’s academic progress is minimal and in too many cases it is sorely lacking.

In an attempt to address this problem in a constructive way, we train facilitators in parishes, schools and communities who engage with the parents – all parents – married parents, divorced and single parents and grandparents – in fact, any adults who play a significant role in the lives of children.

Catholic Schools

Schools need to show that educating children is more than just about boosting their knowledge.  They should reflect the fact that education is about anchoring children in every aspect of their growth and development.  Parents, teachers and religious all have a necessary role to play in this.

The ethos of Church schools stresses putting children first.  Children can rise from poor or dire circumstances if someone believes in them, and who better to do this than their own parents or adult caretakers.  There needs to be a partnership between teachers and parents – in the interests of the children in their daily care.  Partnerships with other role players are also important.

New vision for catechesis

The new vision for catechesis emphasises the role of parents as the first educators of their children’s faith (General Directory for Catechesis: 226).  Initiating children into the faith is an ongoing, daily task, as are other parenting tasks, all of which take place by way of life in the family environment.  For example, teaching children to speak happens in everyday life.  A parent doesn’t say to a child “Every Friday afternoon at 3 o’clock I will teach you to talk.  No.  The child learns to talk simply by living in an environment in which people talk.  And the child will talk in the same way as do the adults in the home.

Moral development also happens by way of life.  Children learn what is right and wrong from the values and beliefs that are lived out in their family.

Children and young people grow in faith in much the same way.  When their parents live their faith and daily demonstrate it in practical ways they create a spiritual and religious environment in which the seeds of their children’s faith grow and develop.

Through our parent-support groups we help parents to strengthen and deepen their relationships with their children so as to accompany them on their journey through life.

Parents are better able to do this:

The benefit is that better parenting leads to children’s improved performance at school.

This is the human foundation and the starting point for strong, mature, inter-personal relationships, faith experiences and spiritual development in the family.

This is where our Parenting Skills Programme comes in

It challenges parents to be respectful, encouraging, listening and forgiving; it gives parents guidance on how to be available and involved with their children, how to listen and communicate, how to be supportive, how to create a framework of discipline and respect in their families which challenge children and young adults to be cooperative and responsible.

Support for parents

The Parenting Skills Programme provides parents with a supportive environment in which to discuss their concerns with other like-minded adults and to be encouraged by a peer group in the task of raising children and truly being educators of their children in most trying and challenging circumstances.

Origin & history

The Parenting Skills programme is one of nine modules developed by the Family Caring Trust in Dublin.  The authors are a husband-wife team, Michael and Terri Quinn, both of whom completed Masters Degrees in Community Development and Family Studies in USA.

They have sold over 2 million copies of their programmes worldwide.  The materials have been adapted to various cultures and translated into Arabic, Czech, Danish, Icelandic, Japanese, Latvian, Russian, Spanish, Welsh and Xhosa - we will soon add Afrikaans to this list of translations.

Parenting Skills Programme - Module 3

The Parenting Skills Programme is run over 8 weeks and the 2 hour sessions are held at weekly intervals.

SUMMARY OF SESSIONS 1-8

Session 1 theme - Behaviour usually needs an audience

The first session focuses on what children need and look for.  When children feel bad about themselves, they cannot think clearly.  They try to get attention, they seek power or revenge or the approval of friends, or they show inadequacy – in the hope that this will make them feel better again, but it doesn’t. By reacting to these behaviours parents unwittingly reward and reinforce the very behaviour they don’t like.  Misbehaviour is any behaviour that a child does that does not respect him/her self or others.

The programme gives parents the option to change the way they respond - by not taking the bait.  Parents are encouraged to do the opposite to what

Session 2 theme - Children become more responsible when you give them responsibility

In the second week the programme focuses on parents who are responsible and who develop responsibility in their children rather than labelling themselves as “good” or “bad” parents.  The aim is to give children responsibility for areas of their lives by treating them with equality and respect.  It has been said that children become more responsible when they are given responsibility, so one of the guidelines for parents is:  Do not do for

Session 3 theme - Look out for efforts, improvements and contributions - Encouragement works wonders

In week three we focus on encouragement.  One of the important messages in this session is that behaviour that is noticed tends to increase, whereas behaviour that is ignored tends to decrease.  Parents are asked to notice the efforts their children make, rather than to criticize them for their lack of success.

There is a good deal of misunderstanding about encouragement.  Parents who praise their children think they are encouraging them when they may actually be making the children feel uncomfortable and even discouraged.  It can be difficult for all of us to cope with compliments like, “You are wonderful,”  “You are very thoughtful and generous,”  “You are such a good girl.”

This session looks at the difference between praise and encouragement.  Praise is often exaggerated “You are fantastic!” which can leave children feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Encouragement tends to be more low-key and believable.  “Thanks for your help.”  Praise tends to emphasise success or achievement.  Encouragement is content with any little efforts or improvements.  Instead of helping children to judge for themselves how they are doing, praise presents someone else’s judgement.  So it can make children too dependent on what others think of them, instead of helping them to believe in themselves.

Session 4 theme - The real test of your listening is whether your child feels understood

The topic in week four is listening.  This session introduces the technique of Active Listening which gives children a sense of being understood.

One of the main points of the session is that we can give our children a sense of being understood.  Parents of teenagers often wonder what they can do with their children, but almost all teenagers will tell you, "My parents do not listen to me."  Maybe that is where we need to begin if we want to influence

The session introduces us to a special way of listening called “Active Listening,” though this is more for times when a child has strong feelings.  The idea is a bit like holding a mirror in front of children - to listen for what they are feeling and reflect that back to them in your own words.  That can help them to clarify for themselves what is going on inside them and can help them to make their own decisions and begin to solve their own problems.

Session 5 theme - An “I-message” helps – nagging doesn’t

In week five we concentrate on problem-solving.  To solve problems we need to communicate about the problem and to identify who owns the problem – the parent or the child.  When it is the parent’s problem they use an I-message, however when it is the child’s problem the parent uses Active Listening.

In the previous session we saw how we can help our children deal with their problems by listening to them.  But there are problem situations that are not resolved with listening alone, so what problem-solving skills can we use here? 

It is important to decide first who owns a problem – the parent or the child.  If the child owns the problem we respond with Active Listening.  But if the parent owns the problem, the suggestion is that they give an "I" message, i.e. I use the word "I" or "me" to tell the child how I feel about the behaviour that is unacceptable to me.  That will not always work, but at least it shows respect for my self and for the child.

For more serious problems, there are four stages of problem-solving. When the child owns the problem:  Stage 1, you begin with Active Listening;  Stage 2, you brainstorm with the child to think up possible solutions;  Stage 3, you help your child choose one solution that might work; and the child makes a commitment to it;  Stage 4, you set a time to meet to discuss how the plan is working out.

Session 6 theme - Allow your children to learn from their own choices

Session 6 looks at discipline and applying consequences.  Parents are encouraged to help their children to make choices and to live by the consequences of those choices so that they grow in responsibility.  It is suggested that, instead of telling children what to do and insisting that they do it, nagging at them or standing over them, it may help to offer a choice and allow children to learn from the consequences of what they choose.

Session 7 theme- Talk things out and make plans together

Session seven looks at family meetings.  The idea is to have regular sit-down sessions with the children to talk through the decisions that affect them – chores, pocket money, bed times – anything you or they want to talk about.

The authors write that family meetings are the key to the long-term success of this programme because it gives parents the opportunity to practice the skills learnt in the programme.  The programme suggests that parents are the natural leaders in the home.  They make the decisions, but involve the children in decisions that affect them.  The family meeting is a helpful way of encouraging that to happen.

Session 8 theme - Your child will improve as you change

The last session ties together the different skills covered in the programme – Active Listening, I-messages, talking respectfully, brainstorming, offering choices, gratitude, and encouragement.

To be effective, we see that it is good to stop and ask a few questions like:  "What is my child really looking for? - attention, power, revenge, etc." or "Whose problem is this - mine or the child's?" or "How can I encourage my

Answering these questions will often give you a clue as to which approach to take - to back off, or listen, or encourage, or perhaps to give choices.

It is also encouraging to know that these skills can be applied in adult-to-adult relationships, to a spouse or partner, at work, a parent, an in-law and a neighbour – they are skills for life.

Conclusion

The more parents create an emotionally and spiritually enriched environment for their children – rather than a deprived one – the more likely it is that their children will grow up as responsible, emotionally mature and spiritual adults who have the potential to sustain healthy, long-term relationships – and in this way slow down the rate at which marriages fail and families fall apart.

HOW TO SET UP A PARISH/COMMUNITY/SCHOOL-BASED PARENT SUPPORT GROUP

Steps to follow:

We are looking for people who are willing to be trained as facilitators to run the Parenting Skills Programme which is an 8-week skills-based, community education programme for parents of children up to about 18 years.

The facilitators and group members may be married parents, divorced or single parents, grandparents, teachers, catechists or any significant adults in a child's life.

Prospective facilitators need to have at least a Grade 12 education or equivalent and fluency in English is an advantage.

The 2-day training of facilitators usually takes place on consecutive Saturdays at a time and venue to be decided by the programme coordinators and trainers.

The parish/community/school is encouraged to pay for the training because the facilitators render a service to them.

Facilitators work together in teams of at least three (two people co-facilitate the group and one person is responsible for admin. and organisation).  They can be from one parish/community/school or the team could be from several parishes/communities/schools in the same geographical area.

As the facilitators represent their parish/community/school their participation in a training programme needs to be endorsed by the parish/community leader(s)/principal.  Talk to your local organisations/community leader(s)/principal/priest and get a team together!